"I don't remember who I was before I became a mother."
These were the words of a mother who had devoted years to caring for her child with special needs. She was exhausted, yet she denied it. She was sad, yet she denied it. She had spent so long focusing on her child’s needs that one day, when she looked in the mirror, she no longer recognized herself.
Kohar Balekdjian
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
This is not the story of just one parent. It is the reality of many parents, caregivers and families, especially in a country like Lebanon, where uncertainty is part of daily life and people face not only emotional challenges but also financial, social and political pressures.
Caring for a child with special needs is a profound act of love. Yet sometimes, within that love, people gradually lose themselves.
Many parents describe learning about their child’s diagnosis as the moment when their lives split into two chapters: “before” and “after.”
From that day on, their life became a series of medical appointments, financial worries, fears about the future and endless responsibilities. Their daily routine was no longer centered around themselves. Even the smallest decisions revolved around their child’s needs.
Many stopped working. Many drifted away from friends. Many forgot their hobbies, dreams and even their need for rest. And eventually, many began to ask themselves:
“Who am I now?”
When we talk about caregivers, we often focus on their strength but we rarely talk about the pain they quietly carry.
That pain is not always about their child. Sometimes it is grief for the life they once had, grief for the future they imagined, grief for lost freedom, rest, relationships and even their sense of identity.
What makes it even harder is that many caregivers feel guilty for having these emotions.
They think:
“How can I feel sad when I love my child so much?”
But the truth is that, it is possible to love and feel exhausted at the same time. To love and feel sad. To love and feel grief.
These feelings do not make someone a bad parent or a bad caregiver. They are a natural part of being human.
Many caregivers gradually stop taking care of their own physical and emotional well-being. They learn to ignore their exhaustion. They learn to stay silent. They learn to keep going even when they feel broken inside.
Some say:
“I don’t feel anything anymore.”
Others say:
“I’m just doing my duty.”
When a person spends years focused only on responsibilities, without caring for themselves, they may begin to experience emptiness, hopelessness, loneliness and even a sense of disconnection from who they are.
Caring for a child with special needs can also affect a couple’s relationship.
Many parents find themselves talking only about responsibilities:
- Who will take the child to the doctor?
- Who will stay home with the child?
- How will they manage expenses?
Gradually, intimacy fades and sometimes it disappears altogether.
When people live under constant pressure, they often become more irritable and emotionally distant from one another. Yet in many cases, the problem is not the lack of love, it is the exhaustion.
This is why it is so important for couples to remember that they are not only parents, they are also individuals with needs.
Many parents believe that devoting time for themselves is selfish.
In reality, no one can keep caring for others while completely neglecting themselves.
Self-care is not selfishness. It is a necessity.
And self-care does not begin with big gestures. It begins with small acts, such as:
- Going out at least once a week.
- Having a conversation with a friend.
- Spending time with loved ones.
- Listening to music you enjoy.
- Asking for help.
- Sitting quietly for a few minutes without feeling guilty.
Caregivers need to remember that they are not only caregivers, they are human beings with emotions, needs, dreams and aspirations of their own.
Perhaps the most important message we can offer for caregivers is this:
You do not have to appear strong all the time.
You have the right to feel tired.
You have the right to grieve.
You have the right to think about your own needs.
Today, if you feel you have lost yourself in the process of caring for your child, know that it is possible to rediscover who you are. Not only as a mother or a father but as a person who has walked an incredibly difficult path yet continues to move forward with courage.
Love yourself the way you love your child.
Fill your own cup the way you fill your child’s cup.
And always remember:
When your cup is empty, it becomes impossible to fill someone else’s cup.
